forgive me first of all for quoting "fall out boy" for the journal title(i couldn't have written a more clever lyric if i tried). i've lost my fucking mind. officially. i did something tonight that i'm not too proud of. i need to grow the fuck up. for fuck sake, i'm not the person i was supposed to be(whoever that is. or was)...

ever flip the fuck out? ever get angry? have you ever thought that all of this *looks around* was a dream?(or wished that it was?) this is probably just another pathetic cry for help (PROBABLY! HAHAHAHA!) you see, dear readers; i have a self destructive personality. i blame genetics. i blame insanity. i blame myself most of all...

life is beautiful, right? smile for me? pretty please? if anybody can tell me what life means, private message me? k? i'm not fucking around...

*hugs everybody*

goddamn i wish i could lick my own asshole. :)

woke up today nuzzlin my mate, karl. he woke up and kind of got upset because he was supposed to start dinner in the crock pot and had no time(didn't even have time to shower-although i hardly mind that. rawr!) anyway, i volunteered to start dinner. i threw on a dj mix from "the doc" and got to cookin. i chopped carrots, onions(OMG, MAH EYES!), celery and poured it all on top of a ham bone(which i nommed the fuck out of). then came the beans. so many beans. like, a fucking million of them. i swear they multiply when you add water to them...

okay, the point of all this is i eat out everyday. three meals. i hate homecooked meals. i mean, oh well=it's starting to smell real good.

then i downloaded green day's new record "21st century breakdown" and am slowly falling in love with it. it's probably their best work since, well, american idiot. i don't give a fuck, green day is the best pop punk band i've ever known(and trust me, i love pop punk). his voice is so emotional too. i'd love to meet him someday, shake his hand and tell him how much he rules...

a few good records came out this month. crystal method's "divided by night" was fucking sick. i've been listening to it over and over and over...nuschool, dark breakbeat never gets old in my book, but they are more than that. this record is a lot more mainstream than their last(not including the "community service" dj mixes they did)...eminem's new record is out too. i can't wait to get my filthy paws on it when i'm done digesting the new green day...

did i mention i cut karl's grass today? it's true lol. i haven't cut grass for years, and forgot how entertaining it can be. i took my shirt off, put on my ipod and thought i was all that with my tats and rippling muscles(HAH!) bulging.

*looks around* hey everybody! (all three of you lol) this here's my first journal entry. i guess it's more of an online diary, huh? okay, we all know that- so enough dicking around. here it goes...

2009 is my year. it may not be the "year of the rat," but it's the "year of THIS rat." i've met the cutest, snuggliest, most loving mate a man could ever hope to meet. his name is Karl (kelfstein on LJ/ sabertoothlynx on furaffinity). i met him back in october. at the time we were both mated. i tried so hard to be on my best behavior, even though his mate didn't seem to mind my glances(okay, blatent stares). i remember him touching my face and gazing into my eyes. i must admit i was scared. that tends to happen to me when a good thing finally comes my way. i really need to get over that lol...

i intend to be the best lover i can possibly be to him. i've fucked up majorly in the past, but no more. we are being 100% honest with each other. that's a beautiful thing. i look into his eyes and see salvation, love and understanding. i love the way that he understands my paranoia, pain and desire to end both of those things.

as he has stated, we are both a little afraid. our pasts hav ebeen anything but rainbows and sunshine. he's done things for me already that have far exceded my expectations(he probably doesn't know the half of it). or perhaps he does, he's a smart guy...

i love you karl, and i want you to know how great it feels to finally become "one" with another soul.